So today Dr. Turner was expecting me to call and check in...basically see if he and Dr. Rado had come up with any new ideas or ways to make this pregnancy work with the Cancer and whatnot. However, I decided that I had bothered him plenty so I could let it go for now. Aunt Patti and I had gone back to Office Depot looking at more of my coveted organizational companions, and were on our way out of Starbucks when my I got a call from Dr. Turner. A call that would set my world spinning again...
(First, I would like to just mention, so that you can try and understand what kind of a Doctor I am dealing with...he tells me that he has been thinking of us all day and had wished he could have found the time to call me earlier...also saying that he wanted me to take the time to talk to him even though he was sitting there, just having delivered 7 babies and in the midst of his shift. Just crazy).
Showing posts with label Week Two 4/18-4/24. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Week Two 4/18-4/24. Show all posts
Monday, April 19, 2010: The Final Curtain Call.
The night before had been sleepless, but what is new? Amazing how your body begins to function just fine that way, huh? Although, you should do more than 'function', I'd guess...Early Monday morning the phone rang. Not so early that it woke me, by any stretch, but early enough that when I saw Caller ID with Dr. Turner's number, it made me wonder.
I have grown use to his voice having an immediate calming effect. It doesn't matter what he is going to say, his presence radiates even through the phone, and it is a magic that is incredibly rare. I started by thanking him again for the previous days news. I told him that we had spent all night talking and that we are in a million directions now. That is when he told me that the pathology we had been waiting for was in...did I want to hear it?
I have grown use to his voice having an immediate calming effect. It doesn't matter what he is going to say, his presence radiates even through the phone, and it is a magic that is incredibly rare. I started by thanking him again for the previous days news. I told him that we had spent all night talking and that we are in a million directions now. That is when he told me that the pathology we had been waiting for was in...did I want to hear it?
Tuesday April 20, 2010 Reality Reality, Everywhere We Go
Today Jon and I had to go to my Oncologists office so that I could get measured for when they made my chemo plans. Sounds weird, I know, but for some reason your height and weight has something to do with it. I never asked exactly what. I also wanted to show him around. I had not looked around much and he had not been there at all. I was not at all surprised to find that he had the exact same reaction to the place as I did my first time there. It is just such a huge dose of Reality, straight in your face. It is so very much to take in. The beauty and serenity, the promises of Hope, they cannot touch what you are feeling that first time in there.
We wandered around taking in all of the things the place offers. We saw lots of schedules for support groups and nutrition classes, a place that offers beauty classes, and wigs etc. We found the 'Library'. I didn't look around much, but I did go to the wall with all of the free informational books and pamphlets etc. I grabbed an armload of information that I felt would help any and all of us. It felt good to be armed with some information. Cancer is incredibly confusing. It truly is so unique to each individual that there are very few 'general' rules or information that you can follow. But anything would help.
We wandered around taking in all of the things the place offers. We saw lots of schedules for support groups and nutrition classes, a place that offers beauty classes, and wigs etc. We found the 'Library'. I didn't look around much, but I did go to the wall with all of the free informational books and pamphlets etc. I grabbed an armload of information that I felt would help any and all of us. It felt good to be armed with some information. Cancer is incredibly confusing. It truly is so unique to each individual that there are very few 'general' rules or information that you can follow. But anything would help.
Wednesday April 21, 2010 ...A Family Lost
Before I begin, I would like to make something very clear. Jon and I spent a lot of time discussing this Blog, what it means to us and what it would include. While we decided to leave some of our more intimate moments as private...this is our story, and we want it out in full. It is about being true to ourselves. About the reality of this situation...no matter how beautiful, funny or tragic. The things that you experience in life, no matter what it is, effect who you are and who you become. The events in your life, the people...everything touches you and plays some small role in everything. So while some people may feel that areas of this Blog are too private to share, maybe even inappropriate, we do not agree, but do understand if you would prefer not to share in some parts. Just remember...this is real. This is our story, from our perspective (although I do at many times write quite objectively) and we feel it needs to be told in it's entirety or we would be putting a puzzle out, with critical pieces missing...and when critical parts are missing it can't be understood or appreciated.
Now on we go...
Now on we go...
A Family Lost Continued...
So Jon calls his Stepdad and Mother to do what only absolute desperation would bring him to do and asks for a small loan to help us through this horrible time. What followed was the most sickening display of behavior from any two people that I have ever witnessed. It was beyond painful to have to witness, much less be a part of. And my heart was shattered for Jon.
To start, they made it very clear that they were not only not interested in how we were doing but again, reminded him that...they do not believe us. That while their son is in this much pain, they will not even validate it. So he pushes on through brutal and sickening questions. He asks for help. And explains what we are up against here. Even without the 'make believe' Cancer and termination of a pregnancy that we so desperately love. He tried desperately to explain to his Mom WHY my Cancer has made it so that we must terminate the pregnancy as she makes him out to be some selfish baby-killer yet again. He asks if she would like to ask me some questions so that she can understand the technicalities of the Cancer. (We are basically on a conference call as it is, tho I took the phone to speak directly to her at this point).
While trying to stay calm, and without getting defensive...without saying exactly what I would LOVE to say because I had no desire to make things worse, I explained to them the details of my Cancer. The details of how the pregnancy was effecting my Cancer and my prognosis. I explained it all. And the gross questions kept coming...the doubt...the basic "That's bullshit"...because apparently being a President of a Bank makes you a Cancer and OB specialist...
To start, they made it very clear that they were not only not interested in how we were doing but again, reminded him that...they do not believe us. That while their son is in this much pain, they will not even validate it. So he pushes on through brutal and sickening questions. He asks for help. And explains what we are up against here. Even without the 'make believe' Cancer and termination of a pregnancy that we so desperately love. He tried desperately to explain to his Mom WHY my Cancer has made it so that we must terminate the pregnancy as she makes him out to be some selfish baby-killer yet again. He asks if she would like to ask me some questions so that she can understand the technicalities of the Cancer. (We are basically on a conference call as it is, tho I took the phone to speak directly to her at this point).
While trying to stay calm, and without getting defensive...without saying exactly what I would LOVE to say because I had no desire to make things worse, I explained to them the details of my Cancer. The details of how the pregnancy was effecting my Cancer and my prognosis. I explained it all. And the gross questions kept coming...the doubt...the basic "That's bullshit"...because apparently being a President of a Bank makes you a Cancer and OB specialist...
Thursday April 22nd The Final Plan
We have learned what "being eaten alive" feels like, and I do believe that this is much worse than the literal form. We have not slept, and just cannot find it in us, anywhere, to go through with the "easy" D&E. We have known this all along, but just needed to finalize it, and put a call into our beloved Dr. Turner so that we could ask him the list of questions we had come up with. Questions about safety for myself, and details of what would happen with / to our baby in each scenario. We had many many questions and needed answers...fast.
I should have already been in Seattle, and I knew I had to get this going because they had to get my mediport in and start my treatments. But Cancer would have to wait a little longer. This was a life long enormous decision and something that would effect us forever. Dr. Turner brought us in immediately. He sat down and talked with us, answering every question as if we were his only patients on the planet. He felt our pain, he understood every bit of where we were coming from. I will never know how, but he was able to be so professional, yet so compassionate, and honest and everything you could ever hope for...all at once and when we needed it most.
I should have already been in Seattle, and I knew I had to get this going because they had to get my mediport in and start my treatments. But Cancer would have to wait a little longer. This was a life long enormous decision and something that would effect us forever. Dr. Turner brought us in immediately. He sat down and talked with us, answering every question as if we were his only patients on the planet. He felt our pain, he understood every bit of where we were coming from. I will never know how, but he was able to be so professional, yet so compassionate, and honest and everything you could ever hope for...all at once and when we needed it most.
Friday April 23, 2010 Day Before Induction...So Much To Do
Well, tomorrow is the day we go in and begin our induction. We had a very rough night last night. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever really sleep again. I kept waking up, and walking around, feeling our little son inside of me. He was still waking me when he would move around, and took me to the bathroom many times each night. Knowing I would not have him as part of me anymore was killing me. But it was a new day and time to get going on our massive list.
Saturday April 24th 2010 ~ Induction Day~
And so today is the day. It would be much easier to go into this day with a busyness and, well, automatic pilot - like way, but as I have said...like breathing, feeling is just as necessary. However, Jon and I have a sense of peace that has come over us and settled like a warm blanket. It keeps us safe, intact and even still in touch with our humor, which can be life saving in times like these...well all times, really.
We set about in our normal morning routine, having coffee, checking the news and emails online and talking. Then it was time to get on with one of our final tasks. We had decided that we very much needed to find a way to express our gratitude to Dr. Turner. But there were no gifts that could do it. We had decided that writing something, or finding a perfect quote or phrase, then framing that in something fairly simple would be best. So we set out to find a frame, a card and the items for Aiden that we could feel were out there waiting somewhere.
We set about in our normal morning routine, having coffee, checking the news and emails online and talking. Then it was time to get on with one of our final tasks. We had decided that we very much needed to find a way to express our gratitude to Dr. Turner. But there were no gifts that could do it. We had decided that writing something, or finding a perfect quote or phrase, then framing that in something fairly simple would be best. So we set out to find a frame, a card and the items for Aiden that we could feel were out there waiting somewhere.
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