And so today is the day. It would be much easier to go into this day with a busyness and, well, automatic pilot - like way, but as I have said...like breathing, feeling is just as necessary. However, Jon and I have a sense of peace that has come over us and settled like a warm blanket. It keeps us safe, intact and even still in touch with our humor, which can be life saving in times like these...well all times, really.
We set about in our normal morning routine, having coffee, checking the news and emails online and talking. Then it was time to get on with one of our final tasks. We had decided that we very much needed to find a way to express our gratitude to Dr. Turner. But there were no gifts that could do it. We had decided that writing something, or finding a perfect quote or phrase, then framing that in something fairly simple would be best. So we set out to find a frame, a card and the items for Aiden that we could feel were out there waiting somewhere.
We had gone to many shops and stores. At Hallmark while looking (and finding) the perfect card for Dr. Turner, Jon approached me with a look in his face that said so much. There was sadness, yet peace, determination and relief. He was holding this tiny light blue stuffed animal. It was so simple, yet so perfect. And he held it with so much love. My big, manly hero, standing there, in Hallmark, cradling this perfect tiny, soft gift for his baby. It was so beautiful and so heart wrenching. And if it was the only thing we found, we would have already found all we needed. I saw that in his face and felt it from his heart.
After Hallmark, I had gone with my initial gut instinct and headed for the gift shop at Kadlec. They always have such soft, touching and just perfect things in there when I have happened to wind up browsing it in the past. As I walked in, there was a stand with little stuffed animals. And I immediately saw it. I suppose I had the same reaction that Jon had...you feel it and know. Further into the shop we found the perfect blanket. White with blue and brown polka dots, and soft as could be on one side, and just as soft, yet a little fuzzier light blue on the inside. We had picked it up, squeezed it and held it. It was simple, soft and perfect. We were all set. We had our 3 gifts. We also found a wonderful frame and gift wrap for Dr. Turner's gift and headed home.
At home, we set Aiden's gifts out in a special place. It really wasn't until then that we realized what we had done. Somehow, although we both paid great attention to each of the gifts for him, we had missed that we had each chosen, of the millions of things, baby elephants as our stuffed animals. There was every sort of stuffed animal imaginable...puppies, footballs, and everything in-between. Yet we somehow managed to each pick the same animal (not that I should be surprised at ALL, but it was still just a touching and amazing realization). Elephants have always been my favorite of wild animals...although someone like me has many wold animals that are close to her heart for different reasons. But the elephant, with their intelligence, the matriarchal society, the family bonds and emotion that they show...and their attachment to their children has always hit me so hard. When they lose a child, they mourn like no other animal. Not even like an ape. They are just such an ancient and majestic beast with such beauty under that tough exterior. And of course, Jon feels the same way. It just meant a lot knowing that our gifts had an even deeper connection and meaning than what met the eye.
We packed our bags. Made sure everything was ready to go. We then started working on our gift for Dr. Turner. It was incredibly hard to find words to express the enormity of our gratitude and respect for him. How do you even begin to put so many feelings into words? All of this is so far beyond any words that it is a frustration I have never known. After what was surely hours of both Jon and I searching, we found the right words. They were simple. I had many many phrases copy and pasted into a document, but we decided to go with something very simple and to the point. I left much of my emotions for the card, where it was more appropriately placed. (You can find what we printed off and framed in the "Random:" link at the top of the Blog).
By 8:30pm we were scrambling to get out the door and head to Kadlec. Everything was all done and ready to go, packed and locked. The house looked beautiful and it was time for one last walk around, holding my belly, then out the door. Again, that blanket of peace enveloped us and allowed us to face this with all that we needed. We were not sure what we were about to face...how can you begin to imagine?? But we were in this together, solid as ever, finding strength while we leaned into each other for support.
We arrived in the Birth Center at 9pm. We were taken to our "suite" where I was all checked in and put on my gown...Hah, "gown" just sounds so silly for some terrible cotton wrap around with ties and snaps and just as hideous as all get out. The nurse on duty for the evening was extremely kind. She walked us through much of what to expect and helped calm our nerves. I, of course, had set up all of our belongings as if I was moving in, as I always do when I am away from home. There is something incredibly soothing about always having your own 'space' wherever you are. If you do not do this, I highly suggest trying it sometime. Whether it is a hotel room or staying at a family members. Without being intrusive, of course, just make the space yours...set out your things that you use or bring you comfort, a book, hairbrush, some perfume, whatever it may be. Put your clothes in the closet and drawers offered. Very off subject here, but I feel it is important, for some reason. It truly is comforting.
Soon after our arrival, the Doctor on duty for the night, Dr. Smith, came in and greeted us. He gave me my first dose of the medication that would put me into labor, and went over the plan. He was no Dr. Turner, but he was kind and to the point. I have a feeling, however, that Dr. Turner may have had something to do with the change of plans in the evening...because Dr. Smith seemed to think he was going to kick this into high gear and have me delivering possibly before Dr. Turner arrived, he thought it didn't matter who delivered. But he was quite wrong, and I would have stopped it myself if some mysterious force didn't for me. There was no aggressive medication given to me, nor was I put into much of any kind of labor. It was enough to give me mild cramps and I was left alone as far as that went. Right before the doctor, who had been very efficient, stopped and turned to us...he wanted to let us know that he felt we were doing the right thing. And wow...that really touched us. Something about that made us feel so good.
They offered me an Ambien to sleep, which I declined. If I needed it, I suppose I could call, but I have never taken it before and I didn't want to be groggy or something when Dr. Turner arrives in the morning. They have been beyond wonderful to us so far, though and I appreciate so much how comfortable they have made us...of course there is much to be said for the "beds" that feel as if you are sleeping on the back of a Transformer toy, or for the recliner that Jon slept in next to me. And my fantastic "gown" couldn't have been anymore of a twisted tangly wreck. But mentally and emotionally is where we were most comfortable and that is what matters.
Just so hard to believe that the time is coming. I don't even know how to feel anymore. Excited? I am giving birth and meeting my son. Devastated? I am going to watch my son pass away and leave here without him. I could go on for hours here. Just trust me when I say that the sheer volume and variety of emotions is too enormous to even fathom. Even for someone going through it.
So here is to some sleep maybe, and to a safe delivery. To meeting, loving and saying goodbye to our little one. Just a matter of hours now. It is inevitable. It is scary to know there is no turning back. But we will be okay. We all will. If there is anything we know for sure...it is that.
