Our morning began at a very late for us 8am. Neither of us could believe it...how in the world did we actually sleep straight through the night? It was the best sleep either of has had in so long. We figured it had something to do with not having anything else we COULD do besides stay here in bed. No lists to write etc. Nothing we were responsible for besides trying to rest up for the day to come.
Soon after waking our Nurse who would be with us through the duration of this process came in. She is a woman that neither of us will ever forget. Her name is Trish and she was put here with us for this part of our journey by no mistake. In fact, there is a special area of the Blog dedicated to certain people and situations throughout this experience, and you will find an area about Trish there. So I will try and keep it to a minimum here, although it is difficult, as she was amazing, to say the least. She sat with us, and treated us as if we were the only people in the world who existed. She went through so many things with us, about this process, yet never overwhelmed us. In fact, the way she walked us through all of this throughout this time, was nothing less than mind blowing. But to get moving on here a little...
Showing posts with label Week Three 4/25-5/1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Week Three 4/25-5/1. Show all posts
Our Tiny Miracle Arrives...Continued...
April 25th, 2010, 2:22PM ~ Aiden Jon Petersen enters the world. He weighs 12 oz and is 9.5 inches long. There is no little cry, but I am assured that he is perfect as they unsnap the top of my gown and ready me for him. Dr. Turner has clamped his umbilical cord and, as promised, placed our baby on my chest. Jon and I are both crying. He is so perfect. Both Dr. Turner and Trish are in awe, and remark on his size and how perfect he looks. This veil has come around everything with the center of this new universe being the three of us...Trish and Dr. Turner, our Guardian Angels close by. Dr. Turner is finishing off the medical aspect, but watching closely. We know we may only have moments. We kiss our little Aiden, we marvel at his perfection, we thank him and express our love through our tears...and I apologize and tell him how sorry I am as my heart somehow has room for so much love and peace yet so much sadness and regret at once..my heart is full, I am holding my precious miracle baby...my son, who came in to this world to save my life and do so much in such a short amount of time...
It has been several minutes, he is on my chest. He is so warm and small and soft. I will never forget the feeling of him upon me. Trish has checked his heartbeat several times, and it is going strong. I need Jon to hold him. To feel him. Trish wraps him in his blanket and places him in Jon's arms. But I was not looking at an inexperienced man awkwardly taking this fragile bundle..(a bundle many would be hesitant or scared of holding because of how tiny he is...most newborns have that effect, but especially a baby this small). No, this was a father, one who looked as if he was made for this and had done it a million times before. His strong arms gently take Aiden and he holds him with a confidence and love I have never seen. There is a glow around the two of them, and I want nothing more than to freeze this moment in time. I have never seen Jon look more beautiful. I watch, while silent tears fall as the man that I love with every ounce of my being quietly speaks to his son, words I cannot hear, but I understand. I watch a connection that is so far beyond this world.
It has been several minutes, he is on my chest. He is so warm and small and soft. I will never forget the feeling of him upon me. Trish has checked his heartbeat several times, and it is going strong. I need Jon to hold him. To feel him. Trish wraps him in his blanket and places him in Jon's arms. But I was not looking at an inexperienced man awkwardly taking this fragile bundle..(a bundle many would be hesitant or scared of holding because of how tiny he is...most newborns have that effect, but especially a baby this small). No, this was a father, one who looked as if he was made for this and had done it a million times before. His strong arms gently take Aiden and he holds him with a confidence and love I have never seen. There is a glow around the two of them, and I want nothing more than to freeze this moment in time. I have never seen Jon look more beautiful. I watch, while silent tears fall as the man that I love with every ounce of my being quietly speaks to his son, words I cannot hear, but I understand. I watch a connection that is so far beyond this world.
Coming Home
Jon and I left the hospital, hand in hand, exhausted. (Was any of this real?) Parts of me said it was, and parts of me were floating in another world. I can say that one thing we did feel was a bizarre sense of peace. There were all of the other emotions that you would imagine in a situation like this running, like a river, underneath the surface. But above that river, no matter how violent parts of it were, was a light mist of peace that had settled just a bit deeper than the surface.
Our surroundings were a blur. We made it to the Tahoe, and Jon helped me inside. (We were leaving?) Oh, we have medicine to fill at the pharmacy. (What day is this? What time is it?) I called my Mom, and let her know we were on our way home. She was going to go to the pharmacy for us, thank god, as the only one open was about 20 minutes away and we weren't sure if we could get home fast enough. She had been understandably and extremely concerned throughout our time at the hospital. because of the fast pace, I didn't have much of a chance to contact anyone. And being that she has always been the one, right there, taking care of me, I can only imagine how excruciating it was to have hardly any idea what was going on for the most part. But the moment we needed her, she was there. Everyone has been and continues to be very respectful of our privacy and the need to go through this.
Once home, we lit all of our candles, and got cleaned up. We sat in our cozy nest, so many mixed feelings, but still the exhaustion and peace seemed to rule for now. We set up "Aiden's Box"...the memory box given to us at the hospital that had his tiny hand and foot prints on the outside, up on our table next to out bed. We set out his light blue pillar candle and lit it for the first time. Promising that his candle would always be lit will we are home. We had grown to understand that there are no 'rules' for things. People should never prepare or plan for feelings. Maybe it seems 'right' to store things in a closet, and for some it is the right thing to do...maybe what looks like a temple set up to honor a god isn't everyone's thing, but is what others need...all I know, is you must do what makes you feel right. And having his box, with the few and tiny things in it so far, near us, was what we needed.
Our evening together consisted of quiet times, and discussions. Tears of joy and pride and a few from sorrow, but mostly playing back those beautiful moments. They were nothing less than perfect. I could go through a play by play of our evening, but I feel the best way to describe this is what I captured in the email I sent out to our family the night we came home. I will copy and paste it here and I hope that it serves in even the tiniest way to help capture what we felt and what was happening...
Our surroundings were a blur. We made it to the Tahoe, and Jon helped me inside. (We were leaving?) Oh, we have medicine to fill at the pharmacy. (What day is this? What time is it?) I called my Mom, and let her know we were on our way home. She was going to go to the pharmacy for us, thank god, as the only one open was about 20 minutes away and we weren't sure if we could get home fast enough. She had been understandably and extremely concerned throughout our time at the hospital. because of the fast pace, I didn't have much of a chance to contact anyone. And being that she has always been the one, right there, taking care of me, I can only imagine how excruciating it was to have hardly any idea what was going on for the most part. But the moment we needed her, she was there. Everyone has been and continues to be very respectful of our privacy and the need to go through this.
Once home, we lit all of our candles, and got cleaned up. We sat in our cozy nest, so many mixed feelings, but still the exhaustion and peace seemed to rule for now. We set up "Aiden's Box"...the memory box given to us at the hospital that had his tiny hand and foot prints on the outside, up on our table next to out bed. We set out his light blue pillar candle and lit it for the first time. Promising that his candle would always be lit will we are home. We had grown to understand that there are no 'rules' for things. People should never prepare or plan for feelings. Maybe it seems 'right' to store things in a closet, and for some it is the right thing to do...maybe what looks like a temple set up to honor a god isn't everyone's thing, but is what others need...all I know, is you must do what makes you feel right. And having his box, with the few and tiny things in it so far, near us, was what we needed.
Our evening together consisted of quiet times, and discussions. Tears of joy and pride and a few from sorrow, but mostly playing back those beautiful moments. They were nothing less than perfect. I could go through a play by play of our evening, but I feel the best way to describe this is what I captured in the email I sent out to our family the night we came home. I will copy and paste it here and I hope that it serves in even the tiniest way to help capture what we felt and what was happening...
Monday April 26 2010 Mediport Day
It was only yesterday, less than 24 hours ago that I was delivering our son. Today I wake up to face the first step toward fighting this Cancer. Well, not the first, but I certainly don't view Aiden's birth and death as a 'step' in beating Cancer, as I know some people do. He is a miracle who sacrificed his life...to save mine. So getting out of bed, I go straight to "Aiden's Box". I touch his little hand and foot prints and I ask him, as I did when I was in labor, to help give me strength.
Jon and I begin our morning as always. I watched him as he also went to "Aiden's Box", touching the prints lightly, standing there for a moment quietly before we begin our day. Our morning is filled with coffee and chatting. We reflect on the night before and the fact that we have so much to face. How this is just beginning. How insane it all seems. It still seems pretty surreal and we are still slightly spinning from everything that has happened. But we are so content and at peace with the decisions we have made along this journey so far. And we know that we must ready ourselves for battle...a battle on every front. And we are more than ready.
What we were not quite ready for was what was to come of this 'simple little 20 minute procedure"...
Jon and I begin our morning as always. I watched him as he also went to "Aiden's Box", touching the prints lightly, standing there for a moment quietly before we begin our day. Our morning is filled with coffee and chatting. We reflect on the night before and the fact that we have so much to face. How this is just beginning. How insane it all seems. It still seems pretty surreal and we are still slightly spinning from everything that has happened. But we are so content and at peace with the decisions we have made along this journey so far. And we know that we must ready ourselves for battle...a battle on every front. And we are more than ready.
What we were not quite ready for was what was to come of this 'simple little 20 minute procedure"...
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