It has been several minutes, he is on my chest. He is so warm and small and soft. I will never forget the feeling of him upon me. Trish has checked his heartbeat several times, and it is going strong. I need Jon to hold him. To feel him. Trish wraps him in his blanket and places him in Jon's arms. But I was not looking at an inexperienced man awkwardly taking this fragile bundle..(a bundle many would be hesitant or scared of holding because of how tiny he is...most newborns have that effect, but especially a baby this small). No, this was a father, one who looked as if he was made for this and had done it a million times before. His strong arms gently take Aiden and he holds him with a confidence and love I have never seen. There is a glow around the two of them, and I want nothing more than to freeze this moment in time. I have never seen Jon look more beautiful. I watch, while silent tears fall as the man that I love with every ounce of my being quietly speaks to his son, words I cannot hear, but I understand. I watch a connection that is so far beyond this world.
Trish has guided us through thus far and reminds us that it is okay to tell Aiden that he may move on. That it is okay for us to tell Aiden to go forward. And we want to do that for him. We want to express how we feel but allow this powerful spirit to move on to where he clearly came from and must still remain for now. We take turns holding him now, speaking to him, getting everything out. He takes what looks like a deep breath, but is not since he is not capable of that while this little...it is only 'practice for if he could have remained here...but it is so awesome to see. It looks like a big sigh and his tiny mouth moves into an even more peaceful position. It has been a half an hour and he is still going strong. He is still hanging on. We now know that he will go when he is ready but we do continue to thank him, and tell him that he has nothing to fear, we will meet with him soon enough, and he has beautiful souls waiting to take his perfect hand.
WARNING: GRAPHIC AREAS; I will cover it all here although the time period of this lasted throughout over 2 hours. However I prefer to get this part out, so to speak, and move back into our time with Aiden so that those of you who are not comfortable with this can skip through all at once YOU CAN SCROLL DOWN AND FIND THE NOTICE THAT THIS PART IS OVER:
On the medical side of things, it is not going too well for me. I have only delivered a part of my placenta. The rest is still attached to the wall of my uterus. They had long since started my Pitosin IV which helps your uterus cramp up and push anything left inside, out, but the placenta must also detach from the wall. When Aiden came out I could feel what I thought was my placenta follow. They thought the same, but unfortunately it was only a small amount of placenta attached to a very large (and normal) blood clot. So I still had to continue on with labor. If I could not deliver my placenta on my own, I would have to be taken into surgery and have a DnC to be sure that everything was safely out or I was in grave danger of infection, and hemorrhaging. I was being given 2 hours to deliver it or I would have to have the surgery, which at this point was not very safe. His umbilical cord was still attached inside of me, and came down through the birth canal. They were pushing hard and moving things around trying to help it move. But you cannot force this from the wall of uterus. The pain was intolerable as time went on. My god, labor was over, wasn't it? I just wanted to focus on my son while I had the chance, and yet here I was, in the same amount of pain. I tried pushing some, but apparently that is pointless as it is not ready to come out when it is stuck to the wall. An hour and a half into it, I told them I could not do this. They needed to knock me out and take this OUT. I saw no reason for dragging this horrible and clearly pointless pain on. Just please, put me to sleep and take everything in my body out, for all I care, just god, make it stop! But Dr. Turner with his few words and eyes that said it all, told me I would be delivering this placenta. And so I tried to buckle down and handle it.
I felt I was being robbed from time with Aiden. I still held him and spoke to him in between horrible labor pains. Jon would come and take him from me when they became too much. I felt as if I had to use the restroom, or at least get into a position that felt more natural. Laying here wasn't right to me anymore. I had already been catheterized once during labor, and I would not be doing that again. This was more a matter of position though, not any actual use of the bathroom. Getting from the bed to the bathroom was an experience in itself, and though I want to be as candid as I can, I choose to spare you the details. Just know it was not fun nor attractive and I think I said "I am so sorry" about 100 times. But it was a relief to be in that position. Finally I felt as if I COULD push it out. I called for Trish and said I had to push NOW and asked if I can just do it into the toilet. She squealed "No!", which startled both of us, and went to grab the bowl which contained the rest of my placenta and afterbirth...they had to keep track of what had come out to make sure I was safe. I was able to push and got what we believed was the rest out. I headed back to bed, feeling much relief....but I still had a small amount to go. As we had come so far and were over the 2 hour mark by some time, Trish began to manipulate far more aggressively, and reached in to help pull the rest out, the pain was searing, but it worked...and I was free of my placenta. I took Aiden back from Jon one last time. He had hung in there through all of this, and now, I was safe...and it was soon after that our Angel passed on...
(OKAY The Graphic area is over, you may resume reading if you have skipped ahead)
Aiden Jon Petersen stayed alive, with Jon and I, for well over 2 hours. It was unheard of. He passed away when not only was I physically safe, but when Jon and I were at a place of complete peace and contentment...when we were truly okay with him passing on...when it was no longer words, but how we really did feel. It took me some time to fully understand that, but it was true. We had been telling him it was okay to move on, but we were not truly ready then and he knew that. I know he did. This was no ordinary soul. Not by any means. There is nothing on this planet or anywhere else that could convince me any different. He saved my life, he went against unreal odds to do things that were virtually unheard of. He did so much...and he had been here for mere moments, in this great world of time.
When he had passed away, we each held him together, we said our final goodbyes and we handed him to Trish. She took him up to the little incubator, put his cute little hat on him and surrounded him with the toys we had brought as well as a doggy from them and his blanket from us covered over the blanket from them. He looked so peaceful and beautiful. Dr. Turner had an Ultra sound tech come to do a sweep and make sure I was free of anything in my uterus. Everything looked good. They were ready to get me and everything all cleaned up, and have us stay. But we were ready to go. It was time. Dr. Turner had returned to our room. He had come to both of us and squeezed both of our shoulders and I could tell he had so much to say. He actually said a lot...including how proud of us he was and that he felt we had done the right thing...and my god, that meant so much to me. I needed to hear that from him. He was proud of us and there was a connection there. It felt so good. What a one in a million man and doctor. We are so truly blessed. He also quietly thanked us for the gift, and in his Dr.Kevin Turner way, his eyes and face spoke so much, but his words were plenty, too. He touched our hearts and I know we did his. never ever will we forget him. Ever.
They were preparing Aiden's memory box was which just beautiful. Trish had done so much. They all had. There were plaster foot and hand-prints, beautiful keepsakes and even a necklace that choked me up and meant so much...a silver chain with a charm. A circle engraved with "Missing You" in a circle around the back, and in front a heart engraved with "Forever in my Heart". It was so perfect and I had Trish put it on me immediately.
Although it was obviously too soon, we had been told more than about a hundred times, maybe, about our strength, how strong of a woman I was and how strong Jon and I were together. The rarity that they felt we were. And I think they knew that it was time and it was safe for us to leave. They hurried all of the orders and paperwork...Trish even making it so we wouldn't have to wait around or even come back to sign certain things. Once I was free of my IV, had cleaned up myself and changed clothes, and Jon had repacked up our room...there was only one last thing to do.
Together we stood where Aiden lay, looking just peacefully at rest, and we said our final goodbyes. But we had been able to spend so much more time with him than we had ever expected...than anyone had. And we felt okay. We felt at peace. How you can feel light yet heavy at the same time?...Happy and sad?...it is all so much. And we were full yet drained. What a surreal, unreal...and yet the MOST real thing we have ever done. And now, we took one last glance around the room. We would be leaving the things we brought for Aiden with him and would get them back when we picked up his ashes at the funeral home. We wanted them to stay with him for as long as possible...so we left there, well, empty handed...but with our mind, heart and souls full. A hug to Trish and the nurse from the previous night, and we were off to our car.
Time to head home.
****IMPORTANT NOTE****
I would like to make something very clear. It is something that had even bothered Jon and I. We spoke with the Doctor and Nurse and were assured about all of this, so I would like to explain as best I can and assure you all as well...
When Aiden had continued living so far after what was expected, we had become nervous, worried. We began wondering if he should be put on some sort of life support. I mean, he was still going strong on his own. What if he had assistance? Could he live? Could he push forth and pull through this?? We learned that, in a nutshell, at 21 weeks, they simply cannot survive outside of the womb. Their lungs are not capable of oxygenating their bodies, and while his heart continued to beat, his blood was not getting the oxygen needed because his lungs were simply not developed yet. This is all very hard to understand without getting into lots of medical jargon, I know...it just seems as if something could have been done by hearing how strong he was and how long he lived, but to put it very very simply...had we asked that they did that, (well first, it would have been impossible, as the tubes that they have are bigger than he was, but in a world where they could have...) it would have made his final moments terrible, so we had made the right choice in keeping him close to us and surrounded in our love. They felt it was simply a miracle. He stayed not just for us, but it was felt that our love kept him with us. Yes, it can medically be explained as to why he could not have lived with assistance, but you must look into your hearts and your own beliefs as to why he remained with us for the time that he did. I know we have, and we know full well he will remain with us. But whatever your beliefs are, please know that there was nothing that could have been medically done to make him live on. He was in no distress, nor pain. He simply lived for the time he was meant to. So I hope this helps put any uncomfortable feelings at rest. I know that if Jon and I wondered and talked with the doctors and nurses about it, we are sure other people must have wondered the very same thing, and I truly hope this helps you understand.
