Jon and I left the hospital, hand in hand, exhausted. (Was any of this real?) Parts of me said it was, and parts of me were floating in another world. I can say that one thing we did feel was a bizarre sense of peace. There were all of the other emotions that you would imagine in a situation like this running, like a river, underneath the surface. But above that river, no matter how violent parts of it were, was a light mist of peace that had settled just a bit deeper than the surface.
Our surroundings were a blur. We made it to the Tahoe, and Jon helped me inside. (We were leaving?) Oh, we have medicine to fill at the pharmacy. (What day is this? What time is it?) I called my Mom, and let her know we were on our way home. She was going to go to the pharmacy for us, thank god, as the only one open was about 20 minutes away and we weren't sure if we could get home fast enough. She had been understandably and extremely concerned throughout our time at the hospital. because of the fast pace, I didn't have much of a chance to contact anyone. And being that she has always been the one, right there, taking care of me, I can only imagine how excruciating it was to have hardly any idea what was going on for the most part. But the moment we needed her, she was there. Everyone has been and continues to be very respectful of our privacy and the need to go through this.
Once home, we lit all of our candles, and got cleaned up. We sat in our cozy nest, so many mixed feelings, but still the exhaustion and peace seemed to rule for now. We set up "Aiden's Box"...the memory box given to us at the hospital that had his tiny hand and foot prints on the outside, up on our table next to out bed. We set out his light blue pillar candle and lit it for the first time. Promising that his candle would always be lit will we are home. We had grown to understand that there are no 'rules' for things. People should never prepare or plan for feelings. Maybe it seems 'right' to store things in a closet, and for some it is the right thing to do...maybe what looks like a temple set up to honor a god isn't everyone's thing, but is what others need...all I know, is you must do what makes you feel right. And having his box, with the few and tiny things in it so far, near us, was what we needed.
Our evening together consisted of quiet times, and discussions. Tears of joy and pride and a few from sorrow, but mostly playing back those beautiful moments. They were nothing less than perfect. I could go through a play by play of our evening, but I feel the best way to describe this is what I captured in the email I sent out to our family the night we came home. I will copy and paste it here and I hope that it serves in even the tiniest way to help capture what we felt and what was happening...
Please excuse any typos...I am hardly able to type right now...
Hey Everyone,
Jon and I just got home from the hospital a while ago. I am so far beyond exhausted, drained and everything else you could imagine that I am going to have to make this quick. But I promise that I will send a detailed update tomorrow as soon as I can...keeping in mind that I have to have my mediport surgery tomorrow, too. I wish I could have kept everyone up on the status as things went along but it was just impossible. Once Dr. Turner arrived this morning, it got a little insane. I will go into details about all of the stuff that happened tomorrow. For now I just really wanted to let you all know that we are home and safe and all of that. I am looking forward to sharing the details tho, so I will do it asap, I promise...
Anyways, Short version:
Aiden Jon Petersen was born to us at 2:22pm today, April 25, 2010. He weighted 12oz and was 9.5 inches (which was actually big for 21 weeks). He was absolutely perfect. No one could get over it. He looked like an absolutely perfect baby, only much much smaller. His little hands and feet were so sweet and cute, and his legs were so strong. His face was absolutely beautiful. He had the cutest ears, and we all agreed that his mouth and nose looked like me, and his cheeks and up looked like Jon. You could even see the beginning of little blond eyebrows. He was so strong. The doctor and nurses were so amazed. (He had even kicked his legs at the nurse when she tried to move his blanket).
They had told us ahead of time that we would only have maybe 2-5 minutes max with him while he was still alive. I asked that he be put onto my bare chest so that he could be up against my heart for the remainder of his short and precious life. So when he was born, Dr. Turner moved very quickly to cut and clamp his cord and to move him up onto me. I can still feel the weight of him, his soft, damp, warm skin, and how small he was. However, completely contrary to anything the staff there had ever seen or experienced....
Our Angel stayed with us, and continued to hang on to this world so that we had over 2 1/2 hours with him. Jon and I spent those hours taking turns holding him, and holding him together. We told him many times how much we loved him, and (of course) I couldn't help but to say I was so sorry, (and so much more...including how much you all love him, too). We also told him that it was Okay to go with God. I told him not to be afraid...that he had wonderful souls waiting there to take his precious hand. (While I was still in heavy labor because my placenta was still attached to my uterus and I could not deliver it, I kept telling him that I wished I could be as strong as him...what a fighter). I know that he will be with us, watching over us and giving us his beautiful strength as I start this next chapter to fight Cancer.
Jon was absolutely amazing during everything. Honestly, I have no words to do justice for how I feel about him. He took Aiden and held him as if he had done it a million times. And as I watched Jon and his tiny son, I saw a beautiful white light around them. For the short time that he got to be an active Daddy for his baby boy, he was, in that time, a more amazing Father than most could ever be in a lifetime with their child. We are truly blessed for the time we had with our son, and for the relationship that we have.
So not to concern anyone, because it can be very confusing...in fact it was something that even Jon and I had become concerned about;...Although our little Aiden hung on for those two hours, there would have been nothing that they could have done to 'save' him. We had begun to worry and wonder if he should be put on oxygen or some sort of life support, considering how well he was doing on his own. Basically, had we done that, we would would have chosen to have him spend his final moments hooked to tubes and things that would have been terrible for him...at that age he simply did not have the ability to make it. And while he was with us, and his little heart continued to beat, because his lungs did not have the capability to take on oxygen the way it needs to..his blood was not being oxygenated. I wont get into it all, the main thing everyone needs to understand is that no tubes could have given him any shot at living (and as they explained, those tubes are as big as him so it just would have been the 'wrong' choice). Instead, he spent his brief time here on Earth surrounded by Pure Love. And we feel that is what kept him hanging on...and we felt that he hung on for many reasons, like to let us know that we did the right thing, and to just let us know everything was just...right....as right as it can be when you lose your perfect and strong son.
Tomorrow I will tell you guys about the pretty tough labor and about how amazing our Nurse, the staff, (and of course Dr. Turner) was. I will fill you in on all of the amazing keepsakes we were given by the hospital. I thought I should let you know, since it was a very huge concern, that our wonderful nurse called the funeral home, and they came to pick him tonight, and will cremate him all free of charge (..my god, what a relief). They also offer certain keepsakes (at a charge, but so worth it). We will call them tomorrow, tell them what we would like done, and then when everything is done and ready, we will go pick up our keepsakes, Aiden's ashes and the blankies, stuffed animals and hat that he had on. We wanted to leave the blankets, hat and little toys with him for as long as possible so that when we get them back, they have his energy in them.
For tonight, we are just so relieved to be home (yes, we left a little early but the staff there said that I was easily the strongest woman they had yet to meet, that Jon and I had a relationship that most could only dream of and that with that combo had no doubts we could handle ourselves here at home...they also knew we needed to come home badly. So we have the 'Memory Box' that they made us in the hospital, with its many keepsakes out, and the baby blue candle we bought sitting on a table next to our bed. We will bur the candle through the night, and we are happy to have him... the little casts made of his hands and feet etc 'near' us. And I am wearing my necklace that my nurse gave me... It is silver and it has a circle that is engraved with "Missing you" around it, with a heart in front of the circle that has "Forever in My Heart" engraved in it...and on my wrist is my pink 'Survivor' band.
Tomorrow we begin the fight with Cancer. I go in at 11:30 and have my mediport put in at 12:30... followed by the nest days appointment with Dr. Rado to get all of the information on my Cancer and my chemo...so hard to believe...so hard to wrap our heads around everything...12 days ago I had an ultrasound on my breast...And here we are...Our emotions, minds, bodies, spirits are just in a million pieces and directions..To feel happy, sad, grateful, angry, disbelief, devastated, at peace, weak, strong..broken and whole...We are finding it hard to believe that we are able to even take breath or find the strength to get up tomorrow and face my Cancer..with just no break...But we will find it in us. We have to. And we WILL Survive.
But tonight is not about Cancer. It is not about anything else. Jon and I will sleep next to each other...grateful for the life and love we have been given, and for the time we had with our beautiful son, Aiden Jon. May He Rest in Peace, and feel the eternal warmth of those who we love so much who are lucky enough to be with him now.
Thank you all for your support and love. I know our little Angel is looking over all of us tonight, and will continue to while we all get through the times we are facing.
All my love,
Kimberly (and of course, Jon..who really needs for you all to know how much you guys mean to him, and how much he appreciates you all, too.)
