Our morning began at a very late for us 8am. Neither of us could believe it...how in the world did we actually sleep straight through the night? It was the best sleep either of has had in so long. We figured it had something to do with not having anything else we COULD do besides stay here in bed. No lists to write etc. Nothing we were responsible for besides trying to rest up for the day to come.
Soon after waking our Nurse who would be with us through the duration of this process came in. She is a woman that neither of us will ever forget. Her name is Trish and she was put here with us for this part of our journey by no mistake. In fact, there is a special area of the Blog dedicated to certain people and situations throughout this experience, and you will find an area about Trish there. So I will try and keep it to a minimum here, although it is difficult, as she was amazing, to say the least. She sat with us, and treated us as if we were the only people in the world who existed. She went through so many things with us, about this process, yet never overwhelmed us. In fact, the way she walked us through all of this throughout this time, was nothing less than mind blowing. But to get moving on here a little...
Dr. Turner had apparently come in the moment he arrived but let us continue to sleep. So after we had some time to wake up and spent some time with Trish, he came in. The look in his eyes said so much more than he ever said with his mouth. And it meant the world. He laid out the plan for the day after making sure we were both okay. He would be giving me the same medication as last night, only vaginally because it causes some pretty horrible side effects...like fever and chills etc. They expected that by 3 doses of this (by this afternoon) I could deliver. After giving me my medication, he was sure to let me know that anything and everything I could want, whether for pain, like an epidural, or light food was available. His compassion knows no bounds and again, his eyes spoke volumes.
Jon and I tried to get comfortable and ready to face what was coming. He had breakfast and we cleaned ourselves up some. Just trying to feel some normalcy, I suppose. I got out my pens and paper to write for when I needed it, and we put on a relaxing DvD that we had brought...just for a light, soothing background. At this point I felt some moderate cramps, but we were visiting and things were fairly laid back. It was about 10:30am. Trish came in and went over all of our options and plans for how this would go. She made it VERY clear that this was our delivery and whatever we wanted, we would get. However we wanted it handled it would be. So we walked through all of it. From the moment of birth, when we wanted Aiden to be placed upon my bare chest and spend his few moments next to the heartbeat and voice he had come to know, to whether we wanted pictures (which we did), a memory box that the hospital provided with footprints and you name it, as well as how we planned to handle it afterward. We were told we could stay with him for as long as we wanted...but warned that we may only have a matter of moments before he passed away. We were still welcome to stay with him as long as we wanted. We could have the nurses take him or not, it was however we felt. We also found out that the cremation that we had decided on could be arranged and completely taken care of by them..that Trish would handle everything so that we wouldn't have to do any of that...and that it was all free of charge. The relief was unreal.
After much talking and making all of our birthing plans, Dr. Turner returned with more medication and to check up on how we were handling everything. The medication they gave me builds up in your system so before it can relax, you get another dose and it begins to kick things into high gear. After this dose my cramps were no longer cramps but moving into labor pains. Trish had come in and we learned from her that this was the first time that they were doing this for Breast Cancer. But that they had done it for a couple of cervical Cancer patients...which was when we found out that we were not only a first on a few levels here, but that she was also a survivor of cancer. She had Non Hodgkin Lymphoma many many years ago during times when chemo wasn't anything like it is now and was a fighter. Back then the odds of surviving that were just about nil. She was already an inspiration to me. Our personalities were prefect for each other and she was everything I need in a nurse, or caregiver. Somehow her talking to me kept me somewhat grounded through what was becoming pretty intense labor. We talked about my mediport being put in the next day as well as what to expect (possibly) from my chemo. And she told me of her battles. She also soothed me through any rough patches of pain. I had chosen not to get an epidural (what an idiot...) and was getting into some levels that were pretty bad. I had gone from able to talk and write to pushing everything aside and needing to curl up against my pillow. Jon's hand was my strength and comfort.
And then my final dose of medication from Dr. Turner came. I only vaguely remember it as it sent me reeling into pain that took over every aspect of me. Trish went and got a medication called Staydol for the pain...it made me hallucinate very badly. What went on for the next...well I don't know how long anymore, time is but an illusion, but it felt like forever...was nothing short of hellish. I thought I was in an igloo, I was freezing and chattering, my whole body shaking. I later found out from Jon, once I was safe, that he was afraid I was going into shock, and somewhere in the back of the mind that was deep in horrible hallucinations and wracked with pain, I knew I could be, too. When you dilate that fast, your body doesn't handle it too well. And the side effects of the labor medication are fierce. Trish went and got warm blankets and wrapped my whole body, including my head up in them. Within my my hallucinations, inside this igloo, I thought something was shooting rays of searing hot pain through my breast with Cancer in it. I could feel these searing hot (what I thought was) wires inside of me and burning me alive. I tried lifting the blanket away from my breast but then I was freezing again. I thought everyone here was trying to steal my baby. I tried to look at Jon, I tried to open my eyes and talk to him without words to plead with him to save me, to save our baby. I was passing through a row of kids jumping rope, and if one dropped the jump rope, the labor pain took over my body. As I walked through them I just kept pleading silently that they wouldn't drop anymore. Toward the very back of the row that I walked through, I saw an empty spot, and I knew that was Aiden's spot. I didn't want to get closer. In the meantime my body was pushing through the labor fast and dilating at an unreal rate.
I began to come out of my hallucinations and was beyond any pain I could fathom. I was terrified. When we had our ultra-sound only ...god what was it now? A day ago? A week?... Aiden was feet first, and we were going into this labor with the same expectations...all of us. So I kept telling Trish that I was afraid to relax and let it come. I couldn't let him come or come out. What if he was feet first and something was stuck or harmed? Images of tiny fragile limbs breaking while trying to come out, or him hanging there, stuck swam through my mind. I knew that his breech position put us in danger of him becoming stuck by his head in my cervix, and dying before birth because the frail cord would be squished. He could not die before coming out. I could not kill him anymore than I already felt like this Cancer in my body had done. Please god, no. I can't do this. My body is wracked with violent shaking, pain and fear that is inhumane. Trish checked me and can feel that I am almost fully dilated but my bag of water is bulging into the birth canal and must break on it's own or come through for Aiden to come out. She calls Dr. Turner in to check me as well as tries to give me more pain meds. I don't want them, I can't hallucinate again. I just slipped back from that horrible place. Trish and Dr. Turner communicated something, maybe in another language, I don't know anything anymore, and she gave me Fentanyl. At least I didn't hallucinate anymore, but apparently she gave me a ton of it off and on and it couldn't touch what was going on. I don't even care, I don't want the pain to stop anymore, I want this all to stop. I cannot do this, can't anyone see that?? I am dilating fast. Trish slips out long enough to get something that ends up bringing more relief than any drug ever could.
She returns with this ultra sound machine that she remembered was up there on our ward. She has not left my side at this rate for any amount of time that I can remember. She vaguely remembers how to work the machine, but pulls it off and is able to figure out that Aiden is head down. Oh thank you god. We all stared at the machine, trying to make sure that what we were seeing is right. It is. He is head down. The images disappear, my fear is so much less, and we are safe to push when things get to that point. Which was not far away now. I could feel it. I didn't quite have to push but it was getting there. I switched positions onto my side a few times, the need to push grew but just wouldn't GET THERE. It was worsening. Panic set in from the pain, the fever and chills. And then the time came. I had to push and push NOW. He was so small, god what if something happens to him? Will he be OKAY?! My god, will he be okay if I push?? I have to push this second!!! I call for Trish who is readying everything, she is there by my side. But where is Dr. Turner?? Please god, this is no false alarm I have to push! Please bring Dr. Turner in now! Deep inside my head I know none of this matters. I know Trish can deliver him and I also know that...well...what is OKAY in this situation? That thought leaves my mind quickly. I am determined with all of my heart to bring Aiden to us safely. I know my blood pressure and every other stat has got to be off the charts at this point, but I do not care if it kills me..please let me at least be able to bring Aiden into this world okay. Let him lay upon my chest. god, just once. Let us feel him and hold him, just please, once?
It is time, panic has completely consumed me, I say I am too scared, and Trish asks me of what. I don't know. I do but I don't, god please let this end...I am going to push now, where is HE?! I look down and he is there. His eyes speak a million things and I immediately calm down. I have to focus, not panic. I have to hear what they are instructing me to do. I am suppose to push hard "right here". I was so ready. I do not know how long this is taking. I am giving it all I have. I want him OUT and I yelled those exact words. I know that they have heard much worse but to me that seemed to echo in a harsh way...I think of how primal this is and wonder at this sterile setting when it seems so out of place....
He is right there. One more push...and I feel him release from my body...warm and soft and such relief...
Cont...
