Today Jon and I had to go to my Oncologists office so that I could get measured for when they made my chemo plans. Sounds weird, I know, but for some reason your height and weight has something to do with it. I never asked exactly what. I also wanted to show him around. I had not looked around much and he had not been there at all. I was not at all surprised to find that he had the exact same reaction to the place as I did my first time there. It is just such a huge dose of Reality, straight in your face. It is so very much to take in. The beauty and serenity, the promises of Hope, they cannot touch what you are feeling that first time in there.
We wandered around taking in all of the things the place offers. We saw lots of schedules for support groups and nutrition classes, a place that offers beauty classes, and wigs etc. We found the 'Library'. I didn't look around much, but I did go to the wall with all of the free informational books and pamphlets etc. I grabbed an armload of information that I felt would help any and all of us. It felt good to be armed with some information. Cancer is incredibly confusing. It truly is so unique to each individual that there are very few 'general' rules or information that you can follow. But anything would help.
As always Jon and I spent the majority of the day discussing some of the many things on our plate. One thing that it is critical to remember is that nothing is too small to discuss. Nothing. Of course we had huge things that needed to be figured out and to deal with. Of course there are priorities, but I can't say it enough...everything must be talked about. I will cover more on this subject in another section that is in the works.
Point is, one thing that Jon and I discussed that day was how I was keeping myself so busy. I have all of my lists, my journals, Blog that I am working on, emails, just tons of things that are keeping me busy. I have tons of phone calls to make, things to do and buy, and figure out..it just goes on and on. Jon had mentioned that he felt pretty helpless. He wanted to make sure there wasn't anything he could be doing to make things easier on me. I explained that this is what I NEED to do..this is part of my having some control over what is happening to me, and it helps to soothe my mind to know I am getting things done..even if it IS only on paper. And we made sure that he understood and felt that what he is doing is not useless. All of what I am doing are things I could not have help with. And that he is helping everywhere he can.
The time will come where he will be beyond overwhelmed with what taking care of me will become. And we have (and did at that time) talked about that. We know how critical it is for us to communicate, reach out and allow each other to help and to lean on each other...and to know when to reach beyond us for help.
Right now we are in a scary place financially. Which isn't exactly the same as needing some help with a trip to the store or some laundry. We have only days until we are suppose to go to Seattle for this "termination"...which is NOT sitting well with us at ALL. But we have to have a dependable car to get to Seattle (which means we must depend on someone), we have to have the extra money to even GET to Seattle, much less to get a room for about 4 days, food...all of that. We will have to take a small loan out in order to get us through. Jon has missed work, of course, and will continue to for now. Rent is around the corner, it just goes on. And now this "trip" to Seattle..it is all so much.
And none of it feels right. We just keep talking about how we feel it was a 'knee-jerk' reaction to just go have the D&E (Dilation and Evacuation) of our CHILD done. My god...this is not a 2 month old fetus (not to say that even that would feel right, but there would BE no other option). We are suppose to just go, and be put to sleep, wake up and just BAM...all done? The CHILD in my womb, who I have felt moving around, who I have seen sucking (his) thumb....who has a NAME? No. This is not right with us. We know that the alternative is just so...almost unthinkable, but not more so that this?
Our minds and heart are so heavy. It is amazing that my eyes cannot grow heavy along with them.
