We have learned what "being eaten alive" feels like, and I do believe that this is much worse than the literal form. We have not slept, and just cannot find it in us, anywhere, to go through with the "easy" D&E. We have known this all along, but just needed to finalize it, and put a call into our beloved Dr. Turner so that we could ask him the list of questions we had come up with. Questions about safety for myself, and details of what would happen with / to our baby in each scenario. We had many many questions and needed answers...fast.
I should have already been in Seattle, and I knew I had to get this going because they had to get my mediport in and start my treatments. But Cancer would have to wait a little longer. This was a life long enormous decision and something that would effect us forever. Dr. Turner brought us in immediately. He sat down and talked with us, answering every question as if we were his only patients on the planet. He felt our pain, he understood every bit of where we were coming from. I will never know how, but he was able to be so professional, yet so compassionate, and honest and everything you could ever hope for...all at once and when we needed it most.
So with all of our questions answered...both technical and personal, our plans were in place. We would be going in for an induction of labor on April 24th, and delivering our son, while Dr. Turner was on duty (hopefully!!!!), on April 25th. My god, the weight that was lifted. Jon and I just held each other forever. We would deliver our son, and we would spend his only moments, however few, with him. We would hold him, and kiss him and tell him how we feel. And he would forever be our son. The time we spent, how we choose to handle it, absolutely everything would be in our hands. And we could do everything in the way that is right for us...and our son.
We had made the right decision and felt it in every way. We knew from the beginning it was right, but in this tornado it is hard to see light at times or catch your breath. The relief and peace in making this all finalized is beyond any words. Just so much peace. We are just so thankful that it is all working out the way it is suppose to in the end. We are so grateful that we were able to pull through this, with the help of Dr. Turner and by turning to each other and inside of ourselves. We will deal with this one step at a time but we feel that we made a solid leap into the light. Although it is a devastating leap, too. The loss is great, to say the least. But we have got to remember to understand and accept. We have to be strong and realistic and understanding, yet allow ourselves to FEEL everything. And that's just the beginning. A tall order.
Now that we had our permanent decision made it was time to make our very long To Do list. We had so much to do and get before we went in for induction. We needed to get the house in perfect order for when we came home, get everything together to take to the hospital with us, plus we wanted to pick out a blanket for the baby that could be with him, and pick out a couple stuffed animals that would be with him through the duration. Things we could have back when this was over. So we got to work on our To Do list. And we headed to the stores to look for the items for our baby.
We went to Fred Meyer, and saw nothing we loved. It was very hard being there, so we quickly looked around to see if we could find something special for me to wear home the day I delivered him. We found a pink jogging jacket that had the Breast Cancer ribbons inside of the hood and one on the front, and felt it was very fitting. Cancer had also affected our child. It was becoming a bit overwhelming so we left then.
We headed to WalMart to get some of the things off of our list and glance at more baby stuff. We were able to get the Body Pillow I needed badly as well as a couple light blue pillar candles, as we decided we would have one burning for him at all times that we are home. Keep his light going. So we bought one for the night we got home and a back up so we wouldn't panic if it burned out on a day that we couldn't get out to get another fast enough. We then headed to the baby area, but that became even more difficult...we didn't see anything we liked for him, but sure did see a million things we would have liked to buy for him for when he was 6 months old, and a year...or 5. We finished off some of the To Do list and left.
The last stop was Target, it is right across from Walmart and I know they have higher quality things. By now we are pretty drained. We headed for the baby isle, hand in hand and not feeling very well at all. Again, all we saw was what could have been. We walked away from that area and turned to each other. We hugged and discussed that there was no need to push this any harder. We still had another day or two, and we had come this far, and felt we should be happy for marking things off of our list, and proud that we came this far and knew our limit.
We were both pretty shaken when we left. We talked a lot and even cried a little at the thought of everything that could have been. We were mourning the future we were being robbed of. We felt sad and even a little angry. But as we worked through it, we began to come back around and feel okay. We knew we had to do this right. Always feeling, always looking within, and finding our way back to some peace. But sometimes, it sure is easier said than done. We are just so thankful for each other. Luckily we will never have to guess at what this would be like without each other.
Time to begin putting these things away and get ready to face another day.
