In around November 2009, I noticed a small (about the size of a marble) lump in my left breast. In December 2009 I had gone to the ER for an inner ear infection and brought this lump to the doctor's attention. Given the fact that it was pretty tender, unattached to the wall of the breast and fairly small, there wasn't much cause for alarm. I was advised to get a a mammogram when I could...
April 13, 2010 Ultrasound Day: No Biggie, Right...?
I arrived at the Imaging department for my ultrasound at 9:00am. I went to this appointment alone (Mom had offered more than once to go with me and I just thought that was silly since we wouldn't understand the ultrasound and would just be sent home to wait anyways). I was ready for the whole..get undressed, lay here and stare at a screen full of weird black n white images, get dressed and your doc will call in a week or so. I was wrong (seems to be an ongoing theme).
The process wasn't near as cold as I expected. I chit chatted with the technician. I asked if, in her experience, this size of a mass (at that time aprox. 3.5cm) was considered pretty big. She told me she had seen bigger but that it was definitely a big one. I took that as a good sign since everyone 'knows' Cancer doesn't grow that fast (Right?!). As I watched the screen, she moved back toward my left armpit. There I saw another perfect oval. I asked her what that was, hoping it was some kind of gland...and she said it was just another little mass. When she was done, she told me I could get dressed and the Radiologist would be in to see me in just a few minutes to go over the results. (Wait, huh? I get to find out now?? Hmm...okay! Get this crap out of the way)!
And so the whirlwind begins.
The process wasn't near as cold as I expected. I chit chatted with the technician. I asked if, in her experience, this size of a mass (at that time aprox. 3.5cm) was considered pretty big. She told me she had seen bigger but that it was definitely a big one. I took that as a good sign since everyone 'knows' Cancer doesn't grow that fast (Right?!). As I watched the screen, she moved back toward my left armpit. There I saw another perfect oval. I asked her what that was, hoping it was some kind of gland...and she said it was just another little mass. When she was done, she told me I could get dressed and the Radiologist would be in to see me in just a few minutes to go over the results. (Wait, huh? I get to find out now?? Hmm...okay! Get this crap out of the way)!
And so the whirlwind begins.
Why the Urgency...?
Tim Gormley, the radiologist, came into the room and sat on a stool directly in front of me. I was still sitting on the side of the ultrasound bed, my legs dangling, making me feel suddenly like a small child. He was so kind, so clearly intelligent and had a great hand shake. While I was taking mental notes about liking his glasses and how the lighting in the room was cozy, I hear, "Well, Kimberly, I don't especially like what I am seeing." For some reason at that moment things became kind of far away. The conversation became echoes. I continued to stare in his eyes as he spoke, feeling like that was the only thing anchoring me so that I wouldn't pass out.
In a very sensitive way I was told that I needed a biopsy and that he wants it done immediately. He used metaphors that were very good and expressed the urgency without trying to cause panic. While he was speaking to me, the technician was on the phone making arrangements for the biopsy. Apparently they didn't have any openings for a couple days (no biggie, right?) but Dr. Gormley made it very clear that they were going to be creating a slot for me at whatever cost. I knew they were trying very hard to keep me calm but could sense just how urgent they felt it was, which was no comfort even through their comforting words.
In a very sensitive way I was told that I needed a biopsy and that he wants it done immediately. He used metaphors that were very good and expressed the urgency without trying to cause panic. While he was speaking to me, the technician was on the phone making arrangements for the biopsy. Apparently they didn't have any openings for a couple days (no biggie, right?) but Dr. Gormley made it very clear that they were going to be creating a slot for me at whatever cost. I knew they were trying very hard to keep me calm but could sense just how urgent they felt it was, which was no comfort even through their comforting words.
The Evening of the Biopsy: My Mind Continues to Spin
One of the post-biopsy instructions was to have someone with me for the next couple of days. Mom came home with me after stopping to buy us all a lasagna. She did what she does best and made sure we were all okay. Jon was still at work when I got home and as exhausted as I was, I was counting the seconds until he could come home.
When Jon finally called for a ride, I left to pick him up by myself so that I could tell him that the ultrasound appointment didn't exactly go as we expected. Of course he was beyond worried. At this point we were just being as hopeful and positive as possible. (I mean, it isn't like I could actually have Cancer, right?) Mom made us each up a plate of lasagna with green beans, sliced oranges and little bundles of grapes on the plates.
As the evening had gone on, I couldn't stop thinking about that mass found under my armpit. I know that is where the Lymph Nodes are. I began looking things up online (of course I won't have Cancer, but just worse case scenario stuff): Everything from; are there treatments that are safe during pregnancy to how do they "stage" Cancer to what could my prognosis be. I decided that the question that had been burning in my mind all day had to be answered. I called Dr. Gromley's cell phone. He returned my call immediately. I asked him,' If the results DO come back as being Cancer, is one of the main concerns causing a lot of the rush on everything the fact that there is clearly a mass on my Lymph Nodes?" The answer was, "Yes"...
When Jon finally called for a ride, I left to pick him up by myself so that I could tell him that the ultrasound appointment didn't exactly go as we expected. Of course he was beyond worried. At this point we were just being as hopeful and positive as possible. (I mean, it isn't like I could actually have Cancer, right?) Mom made us each up a plate of lasagna with green beans, sliced oranges and little bundles of grapes on the plates.
As the evening had gone on, I couldn't stop thinking about that mass found under my armpit. I know that is where the Lymph Nodes are. I began looking things up online (of course I won't have Cancer, but just worse case scenario stuff): Everything from; are there treatments that are safe during pregnancy to how do they "stage" Cancer to what could my prognosis be. I decided that the question that had been burning in my mind all day had to be answered. I called Dr. Gromley's cell phone. He returned my call immediately. I asked him,' If the results DO come back as being Cancer, is one of the main concerns causing a lot of the rush on everything the fact that there is clearly a mass on my Lymph Nodes?" The answer was, "Yes"...
April 14, 2010 The Diagnosis
Waking up today we did our normal morning routine stuff. Jon had taken the day off work to be with me. We knew that we wouldn't be getting any results this soon, but we weren't sure what all would happen, and bottom line was, we wanted to be near each other. Somewhere around 9am, Denise, (the nurse from my biopsy) called to see how I was doing. She told me that they were pushing to get my results back asap so if I hadn't heard anything by the following afternoon to call her. It was a very nice conversation, and I was reminded again of how amazing it is when people go above and beyond.
I had received a couple calls false alarm calls from Dr. Turners office about other random appointments, which rattled my nerves a bit. But then, around Noon, the phone rang again from his direct line. After some brief 'how are you' type small talk, he said, "Well, Kimberly, I have the results from your biopsy. (slight pause)...Kim, I am so sorry, this is so hard to tell you...(my body becomes numb and I stand up out of the chair so that I can try to feel my legs)...the results just don't look good..."
I had received a couple calls false alarm calls from Dr. Turners office about other random appointments, which rattled my nerves a bit. But then, around Noon, the phone rang again from his direct line. After some brief 'how are you' type small talk, he said, "Well, Kimberly, I have the results from your biopsy. (slight pause)...Kim, I am so sorry, this is so hard to tell you...(my body becomes numb and I stand up out of the chair so that I can try to feel my legs)...the results just don't look good..."
Diagnosis Day: The Confusion Continues
That afternoon we arrived for my appointment with Dr. Turner. Throughout the appointment I just kept thinking about how horrible I felt that he was having to deal with this. I mean, he is a baby doctor...and has never even had to deal with something like this. Yet he did it so willingly, and with such compassion. I felt so safe knowing I had him in my corner.
In a nutshell, he was not able to give much more information than what we already knew. This is so far out of the scope of what he does. However, he listened while I talked about everything I was thinking and feeling. And we discussed how I felt about saving the baby during this. It boiled down to: If there is ANY possible way, I need to find a way to continue with this pregnancy. If continuing it would make it impossible to save me, then I would be willing to terminate because I already have 3 kids here now that I have to be here for. So he was going to spend the rest of that day making calls and finding an Oncologist for me. Besides the fact that I need one for my Cancer, only an Oncologist would know enough to help guide me through the decision making process regarding the pregnancy.
In a nutshell, he was not able to give much more information than what we already knew. This is so far out of the scope of what he does. However, he listened while I talked about everything I was thinking and feeling. And we discussed how I felt about saving the baby during this. It boiled down to: If there is ANY possible way, I need to find a way to continue with this pregnancy. If continuing it would make it impossible to save me, then I would be willing to terminate because I already have 3 kids here now that I have to be here for. So he was going to spend the rest of that day making calls and finding an Oncologist for me. Besides the fact that I need one for my Cancer, only an Oncologist would know enough to help guide me through the decision making process regarding the pregnancy.
April 15, 2010 My First Oncology Appointment: The Reality Begins
As we walked up to The Cancer Center, I thought about how beautiful the building itself is...and how this beautiful building holds so much inside of it...Hope, Strength, Sadness, Courage, Fear, Love, Grief, Happiness...and just so much more. How inside this building lives are changed. Lives are ended. Lives are saved.
We proceeded through the big glass double doors which opened for us as we approached. 'Come on in, you are welcome here', they seemed to say. But as the doors closed behind us, I suddenly felt like I no longer wanted to be welcomed here. In fact, I wanted to turn around and run right back through those big doors. The beautiful signs informed us that to our left we could find the Library, Information Services, and Beauty Center among other things. And to our right is where I would find my doctor. The breezeway dividing the two areas was bright and airy. The services they offer were clearly so amazing. And I just wanted to run.
Through those great double doors to our right we went. The office itself was huge and very nice. I saw a variety of people. Many clearly in different stages of their treatments. Some had wraps around their hairless heads, some with chemo fanny-packs hooked up to a tube going under their shirts. I wanted so badly to embrace it. I wanted to accept and feel part of this. But instead, it was the first time that true anger set in...the reality that I have no choice...that this is my reality and this is my future. I have no control. If I thought I had ever felt fear in the past, it didn't compare much to this. And it was the first time I wondered if I could do this.
We proceeded through the big glass double doors which opened for us as we approached. 'Come on in, you are welcome here', they seemed to say. But as the doors closed behind us, I suddenly felt like I no longer wanted to be welcomed here. In fact, I wanted to turn around and run right back through those big doors. The beautiful signs informed us that to our left we could find the Library, Information Services, and Beauty Center among other things. And to our right is where I would find my doctor. The breezeway dividing the two areas was bright and airy. The services they offer were clearly so amazing. And I just wanted to run.
Through those great double doors to our right we went. The office itself was huge and very nice. I saw a variety of people. Many clearly in different stages of their treatments. Some had wraps around their hairless heads, some with chemo fanny-packs hooked up to a tube going under their shirts. I wanted so badly to embrace it. I wanted to accept and feel part of this. But instead, it was the first time that true anger set in...the reality that I have no choice...that this is my reality and this is my future. I have no control. If I thought I had ever felt fear in the past, it didn't compare much to this. And it was the first time I wondered if I could do this.
My First Oncology Appointment Continued: Dr. Rado
It would take a long time to describe Dr. Rado and I have so much ground to cover still. I will just say that he has a presence and an air about him that is so wonderful...so strong, yet kind. So intelligent and honest with a twinkle of humor. And so much understanding. I just immediately felt comfortable and safe as we began speaking. After introductions and his deep apology for my having to meet him under these circumstances (so sorry that I have Breast Cancer, in other words), he told me that when Dr. Turner first called to ask him to see me, he had to be honest and say that he just doesn't do that. He has a very long waiting list and it is hard to get in to see him...but that once he heard my story, and talked more with Dr. Turner he knew he had to take me in, and to get me in as soon as possible. (How do you even thank someone for that?)...
We started by going over my history, how I found the lump and what lead to the ultrasound. We did the physical exam before moving forward and discussing what is going on beyond that initial diagnosis. During the physical exam, he measured the lump in my breast which was measuring at 4.5 cm x 4.5 cm. This is very big, but it was right under the 5cm measurement that I did not want to have, as it takes the tumor to an even worse stage. He also could feel the lump under my left arm in my "axillary' nodes. Then we sat down and began to really talk.
We started by going over my history, how I found the lump and what lead to the ultrasound. We did the physical exam before moving forward and discussing what is going on beyond that initial diagnosis. During the physical exam, he measured the lump in my breast which was measuring at 4.5 cm x 4.5 cm. This is very big, but it was right under the 5cm measurement that I did not want to have, as it takes the tumor to an even worse stage. He also could feel the lump under my left arm in my "axillary' nodes. Then we sat down and began to really talk.
Returning Home After My Oncology Appointment
By the time I finished at the oncology appointment and went to pick up my prescription, I had been gone from the house for about five hours. A very long, very draining and taxing five hours. I didn't even know if I would have the energy to get out of the car and walk up to the house. Poor Jon, he had been waiting anxiously (quite literally) for hours...thinking I would have only been gone a couple hours max. I told him that I had to lay down like immediately so I would give him the cliff notes and then we could take a nap and talk when we got up.
I got through the first part of the information okay. He understood that I needed to give him just a run down and then talk after some sleep, and I was doing well with telling him everything. I didn't think that I even had enough energy to cry...until I reached the part about our baby. Jon pulled me to him and he just sobbed. My heart and soul were torn to shreds. I just kept saying "I am so sorry, my god I am so so sorry"...Yet even through his sorrow and pain, he is just so understanding, so beautiful. But the pain (and love) in his eyes will haunt me forever.
I got through the first part of the information okay. He understood that I needed to give him just a run down and then talk after some sleep, and I was doing well with telling him everything. I didn't think that I even had enough energy to cry...until I reached the part about our baby. Jon pulled me to him and he just sobbed. My heart and soul were torn to shreds. I just kept saying "I am so sorry, my god I am so so sorry"...Yet even through his sorrow and pain, he is just so understanding, so beautiful. But the pain (and love) in his eyes will haunt me forever.
April 16, 2010 "We Need You to Come in For an Ultrasound on Baby...."
So the phone call came first thing in the morning from Dr. Turner's Office. He wanted to meet up with me to discuss our options for terminating the pregnancy and see how I was etc. The nurse also informed me that I would be having an ultrasound on the baby to make sure they had an exact date on how far along I was. This was not information that I had wanted to hear. Knowing that I was already facing that I had to terminate the pregnancy, the last thing I needed was an ultrasound...such a beautiful and magical time in the pregnancy. But I had to do what was safest for myself and the baby. However, I called his office at least three times to let them know that i needed the tech to know not to say a word, not to let me see anything...
Mom and I showed up for my appointment, which began with the ultrasound, then was going to be followed by seeing and discussing everything with Dr. Turner. I laid up on the bed, getting all prepared in the dimly lit room and too soon the tech came in. She was aware of my wishes but I reminded her yet again. As she began taking her measurements, and as we chatted about how "crazy" the past few days had been, I began truly wondering if I was doing the right thing...was avoiding seeing this ultrasound only going to ultimately cause me great emotional harm? Or would seeing my baby...the baby I could not have be worse?
Mom and I showed up for my appointment, which began with the ultrasound, then was going to be followed by seeing and discussing everything with Dr. Turner. I laid up on the bed, getting all prepared in the dimly lit room and too soon the tech came in. She was aware of my wishes but I reminded her yet again. As she began taking her measurements, and as we chatted about how "crazy" the past few days had been, I began truly wondering if I was doing the right thing...was avoiding seeing this ultrasound only going to ultimately cause me great emotional harm? Or would seeing my baby...the baby I could not have be worse?
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