One of the post-biopsy instructions was to have someone with me for the next couple of days. Mom came home with me after stopping to buy us all a lasagna. She did what she does best and made sure we were all okay. Jon was still at work when I got home and as exhausted as I was, I was counting the seconds until he could come home.
When Jon finally called for a ride, I left to pick him up by myself so that I could tell him that the ultrasound appointment didn't exactly go as we expected. Of course he was beyond worried. At this point we were just being as hopeful and positive as possible. (I mean, it isn't like I could actually have Cancer, right?) Mom made us each up a plate of lasagna with green beans, sliced oranges and little bundles of grapes on the plates.
As the evening had gone on, I couldn't stop thinking about that mass found under my armpit. I know that is where the Lymph Nodes are. I began looking things up online (of course I won't have Cancer, but just worse case scenario stuff): Everything from; are there treatments that are safe during pregnancy to how do they "stage" Cancer to what could my prognosis be. I decided that the question that had been burning in my mind all day had to be answered. I called Dr. Gromley's cell phone. He returned my call immediately. I asked him,' If the results DO come back as being Cancer, is one of the main concerns causing a lot of the rush on everything the fact that there is clearly a mass on my Lymph Nodes?" The answer was, "Yes"...
The girls called that night and Mom and I got to talk to them for a short time. My heart was breaking into pieces at the sounds of their perfect little voices. After Mom had left and Jon and I laid down for bed, all of the fear from the day and possibilities hit us. We both cried. I had my first moment of "why me"...
'I CANT have Cancer! I CANT leave the kids and Jon and everyone I love. My god, the girls...I can't even hug them right now. I can't go into their room and kiss their warm cheeks. The kids have been through so much and now their Mom has Cancer? NO! I can't do this! Jon and I have had ONE year together. ONE. It doesn't matter if I feel like it has been a lifetime. It's been a year and there is too much to do. I am sorry for everything, god. Please please just give me one more chance!
We won't even feel stupid or silly for making such a big deal out of this. Just let the tests come back ok. It has put so much into perspective. I will take my lesson and I will do everything I am suppose to do! I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving everyone I love and causing so much pain. Don't you see how much I still have to do? THIS ISNT FAIR! If you let me live I will start tomorrow and paint the pictures I want to, make some jewelry, write my book, get the rooms done for the kids. I will garden. I will get my family back. We have to see the Redwoods together'...
The lists went on. The crying went on. And then what little sleep I could get came in waves. I kept waking, startled, thinking it was all just a bad dream, and then remember it isn't.
