Tim Gormley, the radiologist, came into the room and sat on a stool directly in front of me. I was still sitting on the side of the ultrasound bed, my legs dangling, making me feel suddenly like a small child. He was so kind, so clearly intelligent and had a great hand shake. While I was taking mental notes about liking his glasses and how the lighting in the room was cozy, I hear, "Well, Kimberly, I don't especially like what I am seeing." For some reason at that moment things became kind of far away. The conversation became echoes. I continued to stare in his eyes as he spoke, feeling like that was the only thing anchoring me so that I wouldn't pass out.
In a very sensitive way I was told that I needed a biopsy and that he wants it done immediately. He used metaphors that were very good and expressed the urgency without trying to cause panic. While he was speaking to me, the technician was on the phone making arrangements for the biopsy. Apparently they didn't have any openings for a couple days (no biggie, right?) but Dr. Gormley made it very clear that they were going to be creating a slot for me at whatever cost. I knew they were trying very hard to keep me calm but could sense just how urgent they felt it was, which was no comfort even through their comforting words.
Throughout this surreal conversation I remained calm, even joking around, I could hear myself being very understanding and agreeable, but the things coming from my mouth and his somehow seemed very far away. I thanked him profusely for being so great and for getting this taken care of so quickly. I was so grateful for how wonderful these people were. They brought me over to the nurse responsible for coordinating biopsies (and so much more), and told me that while I spoke with her, they were going to create a slot to get me in because this was a top priority...(why? What in the hell is the big emergency...?)
The nurse who I sat and spoke with, Denise, was simply amazing. I had done so well with being strong and realistic, yet something about her kindness continued to gently break down that wall of false strength and calm. She went over the biopsy procedure and everything I would need to know. They had all rushed around, calling me their "Top Priority", and within only a few minutes of being with her, I was informed that in an hour they would do my biopsy. I began to get antsy, thinking that I needed to call my Mom. (Jon was at work and I knew all of this information could wait until he got home since it would do nothing but scare him or make him feel helpless). Denise could clearly see what was going on with me and asked if I would like to call anyone or have anyone come down.
She had me use the phone there in the privacy of where we were. I had done absolutely great with keeping my emotions in check until I heard Mom's voice on the phone. I tried to keep it light and simple and just said that I needed to come get her so she could come down to my appointment with me. After hanging up, I was choked up. Denise recognized that the phone call was what set me off and spoke so kindly...she was just so comforting.
So, within an hour of my ultrasound, I had been whisked from one place to another, went to pick up Mom and was back and being taken back for my biopsy. Dr. Gormley, Denise and my original technician were all there, with my Mom at the head of the bed holding my hand. They numbed the site where they were going in and were so incredibly gentle. However, one of the samples they took felt much like someone shot lava into me, which spread throughout my breast. I began to cry. Later I knew that the pain surely triggered all of the fears and other emotions I had, making me cry a little harder than I maybe would have if the circumstances were different.
I won't go into the details of the biopsy or the unbelievable kindness showed by the people caring for me. But I will never forget either. And I will be forever grateful for all of them. When it was all over, they answered every question we had. Dr. Gormley then gave me his personal cell phone number urging me to call for anything at all that I needed and for any question I had. I left there in a bit of pain, very scared, and very grateful for all of them.
