Well, you would think that finally having a day with *gasp* no doctor appointments, I would sleep in...yeah right. I don't even remember the last time I slept past 6:30 or 7am at the latest. And that's after getting maybe a total of three hours through the night. It is almost as if I am afraid of losing even one moment of time. But that's okay. I enjoy our morning routine, and I especially am enjoying the thought that I don't HAVE to do anything that I don't want to.
Being the organizing queen that I am, I have been driving myself crazy with all of the notebooks, lists, business cards...you name it...just flowing in and piling up. It is organized chaos but I just can't stand it. It doesn't help that I have always had some strange fetish for planners and organizing materials of all types for as long as I can remember). I just need to get one really nice planner to keep all of this information in. I suddenly have so many appointments, information, lists and notes to keep track of. I knew Kris was in town today so I decided that I would email Aunt Patti to see if they would like to meet me down at Office Depot where I wanted to find a really great Day Planner and then go grab a coffee and talk. We haven't fully had a chance to talk about everything going on and there was a lot that they were still in the dark about. We really needed a chance to just talk, and get everything out there.
So they met me at around 10:30am. Aunt Patti found The perfect planner. I was looking at it thinking how it had everything I needed PLUS was black and pink..two of my very favorite colors together...and hey look! It even has what looks like the pink breast cancer ribbon on the corners of the pages....and then it hit me that it WAS the pink ribbon. It even had it on the front, and had little sayings throughout the planner about Strength and all things Breast Cancer. How...perfect! Then Kris found this fantastic Notebook that was all just for lists...it was light pink with the silver ribbon for Breast Cancer...yet another perfect way to be organized while showing that I take pride in what I am facing.
After that we grabbed our coffees and met at the park across from 'The Office' (what we lovingly still call where the old State Farm Office is). As I walked up to the table where we were all going to sit down, I thought about how many times we had been there as lighthearted kids...Aunt Patti there pushing us on the swings, and now here we were, meeting to discuss such very adult, and very heavy things. We sat down, me on one side and them on the other so that I could better face both of them while I talked.
We spent over an hour talking. I began by letting them know exactly what was going on. Every bit of it. We discussed my Cancer and what little I knew of the details, but gave every bit of information that I had about what I did know. Then talked about the termination of the pregnancy that was coming up, no doubt. They both agreed that terminating was the only option and felt just going to sleep would be sooo much easier rather than the whole delivery and all the trauma that would be, but also made sure I knew that whatever my choice, they were behind me.
It was mostly important for me to talk about all of the things that people DONT talk about when it comes to 'The C Word'...and how I didn't want it to be that way. I let them know that I never wanted them to feel awkward around me, or feel that they have to hold back any feelings. I explained that I know full well what it is like to be on that side of the table, so to speak. And that they would never be doing me any favors by pretending everything is 'OK'. Hopeful is wonderful, mock happiness is not. I reminded them that I KNOW what is said when I am not around, but that of course I understand that everyone would need to talk to each other without me there...to express their fears or sadness to each other. Because my Cancer creates a certain bond for those who are dealing with me having Cancer. And of course, this was even bigger because there is also a baby involved.
However it was critical for me to let them know that its okay! Its okay to feel everything that they feel. And that it IS okay to talk to me about it. I also needed to remind them that I am still ME...I still have my (at times sick) sense of humor...so there is surely no reason to want to hide under a table when someone says 'omg I am DYING to see that movie!'..or...'Wow, Id rather be dead than have her ass..". Because, odds are, I will be the first one making jokes and this Cancer and I have an agreement...it will not be stripping me of my sense of humor..OR my loved ones.
I was very happy and felt so much better by the time we left the park. The difference was so apparent in their comfort level, alone, and just everything from when we all first met up to the time we were leaving the park had improved. So I felt good. I felt that what I hoped for, had happened, and I felt a new understanding and even beginning of sorts.
