As we walked up to The Cancer Center, I thought about how beautiful the building itself is...and how this beautiful building holds so much inside of it...Hope, Strength, Sadness, Courage, Fear, Love, Grief, Happiness...and just so much more. How inside this building lives are changed. Lives are ended. Lives are saved.
We proceeded through the big glass double doors which opened for us as we approached. 'Come on in, you are welcome here', they seemed to say. But as the doors closed behind us, I suddenly felt like I no longer wanted to be welcomed here. In fact, I wanted to turn around and run right back through those big doors. The beautiful signs informed us that to our left we could find the Library, Information Services, and Beauty Center among other things. And to our right is where I would find my doctor. The breezeway dividing the two areas was bright and airy. The services they offer were clearly so amazing. And I just wanted to run.
Through those great double doors to our right we went. The office itself was huge and very nice. I saw a variety of people. Many clearly in different stages of their treatments. Some had wraps around their hairless heads, some with chemo fanny-packs hooked up to a tube going under their shirts. I wanted so badly to embrace it. I wanted to accept and feel part of this. But instead, it was the first time that true anger set in...the reality that I have no choice...that this is my reality and this is my future. I have no control. If I thought I had ever felt fear in the past, it didn't compare much to this. And it was the first time I wondered if I could do this.
I approached the desk where the nice receptionist gave me my lab orders and a clipboard with papers to fill out. I headed back out the doors, into that lovely breezeway and went into the lab. The technician was pregnant and we shared our pregnancy woes, although I decided against bringing up that my personal pregnancy woes were not quite as simple as nausea or clothes not fitting. I finished up, and returned to the office where I filled out and turned in my paperwork. The clock informed me that I still had at least a half hour before my appointment. I could not sit in there for even another second.
So Mom and I headed out and over to Barnes and Nobles to get a Starbucks. I wanted to look at the books, but with no money it isn't quite fun. Because I was already pretty upset, my inability to buy even a simple little thing there if I wanted to just put my mood into an even uglier place. I ordered my "strawberries n cream' smoothie (I surely didn't need anymore caffeine), Mom got her coffee and bought us each a scone...and the clock now informed us that we had to head back to my new reality.
It was only moments after returning that they called me back. After a quick trip onto the scale and a blood pressure, we were escorted to the exam room. Each of Dr. Rado's staff members came in to introduce themselves. I thought that it was extremely nice of them to do that and it was another reassurance that I was going to be cared for. Very soon after that Dr. Rado came in.
