Waking up today we did our normal morning routine stuff. Jon had taken the day off work to be with me. We knew that we wouldn't be getting any results this soon, but we weren't sure what all would happen, and bottom line was, we wanted to be near each other. Somewhere around 9am, Denise, (the nurse from my biopsy) called to see how I was doing. She told me that they were pushing to get my results back asap so if I hadn't heard anything by the following afternoon to call her. It was a very nice conversation, and I was reminded again of how amazing it is when people go above and beyond.
I had received a couple calls false alarm calls from Dr. Turners office about other random appointments, which rattled my nerves a bit. But then, around Noon, the phone rang again from his direct line. After some brief 'how are you' type small talk, he said, "Well, Kimberly, I have the results from your biopsy. (slight pause)...Kim, I am so sorry, this is so hard to tell you...(my body becomes numb and I stand up out of the chair so that I can try to feel my legs)...the results just don't look good..."
I say, "okay." (I could feel that this truly was very hard for him to say. The pauses, his tone of voice...I felt so bad for him). "Kimberly, based on the results you have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma." (I understood "Invasive", as it was one of the things I had read about. And I knew what "carcinoma" was, of course, but I began feeling as if passing out was a strong possibility. I was remaining outwardly completely calm...trying to help him deliver this news, but as things began to get foggy I had to ask him to repeat it...) He repeated the technical description and then said, " Kimberly, you have Breast Cancer, I am really so sorry..."
And there it was.
Although the world seemed to be getting further away, I caught the echoes of the remainder of our conversation. I held onto my calm appearance. I thanked him and told him how sorry I was that he had to make that phone call. He told me to come in and see him that afternoon. And we hung up.
During the conversation with him I had wandered away from where Jon and I had been sitting at the computers. Once I hung up Jon turned around in his chair, looked at me, and asked if that was him (Dr. Turner). I nodded. He got up and came over to me, asking what he had said. I just started shaking my head. Jon grabbed me and pulled me into him, we both cried and held each other for what seemed like forever.
Once I was able to pull myself together, I told him what was said. Jon had many questions, as did I because we really didn't know anything other than, Yes, it is Breast Cancer and what it was called. I got onto the computer and looked up what Dr. Turner had called it. We read that it is the most common form of Breast Cancer, and that there are fifteen different 'types' of just Breast cancer, alone. After looking up a bit of information, I called my Mom and asked Chuck to come get me. I had to go tell her and I couldn't do it over the phone.
The ride to her house and walk up to her apartment felt like it took one hundred years. I had every intention of being calm and encouraging...but the moment I walked in and she came toward me, asking what happened I could only shake my head and cry. We just stood there and hugged and then she lead me into her room so we could talk a bit. I told her what Dr. Turner had said, along with what Jon and I had read about the type of Cancer I have. I just kept thinking about how worried I was about her blood pressure and health...and how angry I was that I was having to stress her out which could make her physically sick when she is already trying to recover from so much. After talking and explaining all I knew, I told her that I needed to get back to Jon, but that I would have her pick me up to go to my appointment that afternoon.
I had said that I didn't want to tell Gabe the results until after my appointment because I wanted to have as much information as possible so that I could reassure him. But once I got home, I knew it would be impossible to hide anything with him right there. He had come out while I was looking things up on the computer, asking if they said I had Cancer and if what I was looking up was what kind I have. So I decided I had to tell him now.
I went into his room and as gently as possible told him what I knew. I was encouraging and positive, reminding him how common this Cancer is and how great the treatments they have now are. But he just put his head in his hands and sobbed. Every fiber of my being hurt. I knew then that death could never be as painful as watching this. Seeing the people I love with all that I am in so much pain and fear. It is beyond words. I told him that with more information we will be able to know more about what will happen and that after my appointment we should know more about where we are with everything. I asked if he would like to talk to someone with experience in this (there is so much help through The Cancer center for families), or if he wanted to call someone. And that of course, he can talk to Jon and I. It was all just too overwhelming. He calmed down a little but spent most of the day crying so hard.
I just hoped my appointment with Dr. Turner would give us some insight and helpful information.
