So today Dr. Turner was expecting me to call and check in...basically see if he and Dr. Rado had come up with any new ideas or ways to make this pregnancy work with the Cancer and whatnot. However, I decided that I had bothered him plenty so I could let it go for now. Aunt Patti and I had gone back to Office Depot looking at more of my coveted organizational companions, and were on our way out of Starbucks when my I got a call from Dr. Turner. A call that would set my world spinning again...
(First, I would like to just mention, so that you can try and understand what kind of a Doctor I am dealing with...he tells me that he has been thinking of us all day and had wished he could have found the time to call me earlier...also saying that he wanted me to take the time to talk to him even though he was sitting there, just having delivered 7 babies and in the midst of his shift. Just crazy).
He and Dr. Rado had found out that there was a 40% chance that because I was diagnosed while pregnant, I would not be Er/PR+ (aka: estrogen and progesterone would not effect my Cancer). This would mean that my pregnancy is NOT causing the Cancer to worsen. It would be bad news for the treatment of my Cancer, but could mean good news for saving my baby. It would also mean they would have to use a much more aggressive chemo, which would be horrible on me, but would be easier on the baby than the regular chemotherapy options...taking the possible damage down from 40%+ of the baby being really harmed or even die to more like a 20-30% chance.
He let me know that there were still tons of risks that would have to be discussed and looked at. Besides the quality of life (or lack thereof) that the baby would have. There were grave concerns for me because of the lack of immunity, red blood cells, platelets etc. If anything were to go wrong, and even during delivery I could hemorrhage badly, get infections that were life threatening..it went on and on. But I asked for 'a chance' or 'possibility' to save this pregnancy and it is what he and Dr. Rado found for me. I, of course thanked him profusely, adding of course that while this was the 'hope' I was looking for, there was still so much to think about. And he reminded me that without the pathology being back, that all this was, was just possibilities..and not premium possibilities from a medical standpoint with me as the patient...
So after hanging up, all I could do was stand there, stunned. I told Aunt Patti what he had said. I could see that she had an understanding for what that put my mind and heart through. I needed to get home to Jon. And tell him, in person, what was said.
Needless to say, the rest of the day and evening was spent in great contemplation. The fact that we had already come to this understanding that we would have to let our son go, and now we suddenly had this..chance...? We wanted to be excited, but we also new that this was good and bad news, and there were still so many dangers. But why were we given this possibility if it wasn't mean to be taken seriously? I am sure I don't need to write a novel to get across the absolute torment, confusion and array of emotions that we felt. But the bottom line was...we needed the pathology report. We needed concrete, medical answers. And that is what my beautiful doctors were working on.
Who knew how long we would wait to find out, but we had much to think about. As it was, it was becoming very clear that our knee jerk reaction to take the 'easy' way out and terminate the baby during a surgery was not feeling right anymore. I still had not shown Jon the ultrasound pictured or told him the sex of the baby, as we were waiting for him to feel ready..but even knowing that he wasn't ready even for that spoke volumes for what was 'right' and 'wrong' for us...for what would help us process this for ourselves...and the right way to say 'Goodbye'...etc...
