I left the ultrasound room with a very different feeling than I had going in. I was holding pictures of my son. My son whose hands I had just watched move...my son who I now knew looked "perfect" by what was seen on the ultrasound. I let my mom know what had happened when I returned to the waiting room. I can only guess, as her daughter and as a mother myself, what all she was thinking. Fear for me, sadness for the loss of the baby..and so many things. And I knew that no matter how much she already did (and would) love this baby...as her baby, I came first. I can only imagine how hard that was for her.
We were called back to Dr, Turner's office right away. He greeted me with such kindness. This was not just a Doctor sitting across from me, but a man who was so very aware of the weight of all that I was facing. I truly cannot find words to do any justice when it comes to describing this amazing doctor. After asking how I was and discussing all of the things that had been going on, we had to go into my options for terminating. It had been barely three days since my diagnosis of Cancer. And now I was listening to my two choices...
He could induce labor, where I would go through a more physically and emotionally difficult and painful labor than with a 'full term' baby, deliver our son, see him and even hold him to say goodbye...and then go from there. ....Or I could go to probably Seattle or maybe Yakima depending on who he could find to do the procedure to terminate this late in the pregnancy (since no one in this area is licensed...due to 'political and religious views' which he clearly thought was ridiculous, as did I under the circumstances but I wont get on that soapbox..). They would put me to sleep and I would wake up with it all done. And there were, of course, physical risks with each.
With everything I was going through, about to go through and just, well, everything...my Mom and I both had the 'knee-jerk' reaction that just going to sleep and waking up would clearly be 'easiest'. BUT...
then I began asking him if there was any way to just DO this while I am pregnant. I know that in the first trimester, the baby has no chance. Third trimester it stands a really good chance...but that second trimester was where I was was pretty unclear. It seemed to be where even the literature the doctors had access to was even limited.
I told him that no matter what, I would need to speak to Jon about what we wanted to do.It was Friday, and not even a half of a week had passed since finding out I had Cancer. I had to have the weekend. I asked if he could possibly talk to Dr. Rado about ANY way to make this pregnancy happen. I apologized, knowing that it seemed as if one moment I was saying 'I HAVE to save myself and I know the only way is by termination, and the next I am saying that I can't JUST terminate this pregnancy. I couldn't just NOT TRY. So while I heard what Dr. Rado had said..could they please look a little harder and just SEE?? He agreed completely. Again, embraced my decision and the weight of it, his eyes speaking volumes while his mouth told me how sorry he was for this horrible situation. And he assured me that he would speak to Dr. Rado again, and they would look as deeply as they could into my possibilities. He gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him on Sunday...or if, at any other point I needed him. Such an incredible Doctor...How did I get this lucky...
As we left his office, I could feel how stressed out my Mom was. How worried...knowing how hard my decision was, knowing I needed so badly to make this decision, and the 'right' one, according to what we knew thus far, which was to terminate the pregnancy and move on with my chemo. It was the same feeling everyone would have. And the same torment everyone would have, for me. Even Jon and I felt it, later when we talked. But she supported the decision I made as she always has...and as I left Dr. Turners office I felt so many emotions..scared, hopeful, sad, confused, and every other color of the rainbow.
That night when Jon and I talked, we felt that while we hoped so much that there would be some miracle that would pop up in the medical books...some way to let us save myself and our baby, we knew even then that we would have to start to face letting our baby go.
